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The State of my Unions Address The 2011 State of My Unions Address
[Applause.] Thank you. Thanks. Please, be seated. [Applause] Thank you. Thanks. Please, be seated.
My fellow New Englanders.
For 45 years now, I have fulfilled my obligation to report the state of my unions. I've done so through periods of tranquility and periods of great strife. Through early puppy love, to the one in college I thought was my muse, to the woman I loved, married, and then lost.
It's tempting to look back at these friendships and relationships and wish one could go back and for a replay. Yet, if that were possible, the deep texture of our loves and losses -- what makes us up -- would no longer be a part of us. From first crush, to first kiss, to first lover, to first love lost, to marriage, and unfortunately through divorce. Each of these things were necessary -- whether joyful or painful -- to make us who we are today.
When my marriage didn't work after over a decade, the thought that I could have a new relationship again was much in doubt. But when people of both lesser and deeper character than I showed me that new love is possible, even necessary, I chose to believe them. Regardless of my doubts. Love will return! [Applause!] These are the times that test the courage of my convictions and I choose to believe there is someone out there!
Again, I am tested. And again, I must answer love's .
Eighteen years ago I moved back to New England with little but a truck full of my 20's, some savings, and the spirit of my California adventure behind me, ready to settle down. With only the energy of youth backing me, I parked my truck and started a new life, finally back home again on the saner east coast. Little did I know the joy and triumph that lay ahead. Or the despair and hard work that would bob and weave across my path.
From that first small Massachusetts apartment, through a move to New Hampshire, through love and becoming a lover, through home ownership, through marriage and becoming a father, through the battles of starting companies, through layoffs and windfalls, through love and anger, through the death of grandparents and the sickness of parents and the burning tears (yet ultimately bearable challenges) for what my son endures with his enchanting smile, through a full and storied life and the the devastation of not being able to spend it with the one I thought I loved and the one who I thought loved me, all the way to my fear of dating when inside I still have the energy and interior life force and humor and talent of a younger man. The state of my story is rich and interesting.
My fellow New Englanders, I am single. The lack of my union is strong! [Applause!! Applause!! Applause!! ] I am ready for what is next!
Now, when I decided to approach dating again, I promised I wouldn't do what was popular. I would do what was right. What was necessary. I would wait until I was ready before I tried to date. [Applause!!] I would be respectful and patient and try to truly date rather than to take advice about "just getting laid alot and not caring." And some of you on the other side of the aisle even encouraged me to stay out of the game permanently! [Boo! You lie!]
Please... Please... Thank you.
From those of you who suggested blatant misogyny and "get some at any cost" to those of you who said keep away from women altogether to those of you from that up-and-coming newly public party suggesting I switch sides altogether... [Chuckle!] I have heard all the input and come to some clear decisions. And here is my plan based on these decisions. This plan may take one year and it may take four. But these plans are based on an ethic that I think best reflects what is needed in these trying times and who I am and want to be. Please join me if you agree!
First, it is not my right to ask a future partner to make me happy nor for her to ask that of me. However, a new relationship must be crafted in such a way that happiness is provided not as a right, but as a part of the responsibility of the committed relationship.
My child and our challenges must, by their nature, be at the core of my life and love. However, I understand that her children will be at the center of hers. Together, if we are right for each other, we will negotiate a proper way to blend a family and make each one stronger and expand the amount of love we have to encompass our new lives together.
Take Janice and Jack M. up there. [Points to balcony, Applause!] Janice and Jack have been happily married for six years now. With three kids between them from their previous marriages, they told me just the other day that one major reason they have such strong bonds today is that they took plenty of time before introducing each other to their kids. And they did it only after they knew they would be for each other. And they did it with love and patience.
On the same point of learning and finding balance, it is my commitment that whether my next love has more money than I do or if I have more that her that we discuss earning and spending and that we only forge a long-term commitment after agreeing on how together we can move ahead based on our financial reality. Because while I do believe in romantic love, one can't ignore this important aspect of our lives and how it will drive our future together.
Look at the way Darren and Jannel H. divided and conquered in a non-traditional but effective way. [Applause!] In Darren's first marriage he was the breadwinner and in Jannel's she was the head of the household, despite her PhD. Before they married, Jannel made it clear to Darren she would be much happier in her research role at a pharmaceutical company after being at home with kids for eight years. Turns out Darren wouldn't mind staying home with the kids and doing some part time consulting and care for the house and kids. Because they agreed on this and what made each one happy, this is one huge factor in their successful second marriage.
The sex thing. [Nervous laughter.] We need not hop in bed after our first coffee date. If this is something that the she needs to do, I can actually say up front at this juncture in my life that this is not the woman for me. While the passion of sex is absolutely essential (and I am kind of good at it [audience groan]), I think it needs to wait. Not forever, and with no fixed schedule, but at least until bonds are formed. Nothing sexier than taking the time to know someone before you become lovers.
Finally, activity level and the activities we do together one-on-one, with our respective families, and the ones we do on our own have to be at a compatible level. I don't want to ask you to fundamentally change and I don't want to you ask me to either. To change fundamentally for the sake of a relationship isn't being true to oneself or others. It is too easy to flex *too* far for the sake of a relationship or to just to keep that tingly feeling alive. But to flex so far in your life as to change into something you are not for the other person - that is not fair to anyone.
Look at how Barbara and Kevin R. brought their respective activities to one another. Kevin's interest in rekindling physical fitness in his 40's was something Barbara also always wanted to start doing again but she needed a motivator. And they did it together! Barbara had always snowmobiled and Kevin had never tried it. Now they do it together! But just as importantly, they negotiate the time that they want to spend alone on their own activities. They don't stifle each other, yet show genuine interest in each others' activities and touch base often to find new things they both like.
The spirit that has guided me through a newfound singledom still has hurdles to cross. Mistakes will be made. I have come through a difficult decade. But a new year has come. A new decade stretches before me. I don't quit. (Applause!) Let's you and I seize this moment -- to start anew, to carry our dreams for ourselves, each other, and our families forward and to turn our disunion into a union once more! (Applause!)
Thank you. God bless you. And God bless our future relationship!
-- OR --
Divorced single dad in Southern NH with a sense of humor seeks funny, (mostly) fit, and smart woman from 28 to 48 to go on coffee dates to explore if there is anything worth dating about.
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