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So I woke up this morning just to find two adult looking casual sex Hilmar-Irwin girls in my bed named Princess and Storm trying to hog my new velvet sheets I got for my birthday from my mom. I was going to kick their asses out for the disrespect. However, since I woke up with my custard launcher saluting the world, I decided to make them useful. Meh… I’d give ‘em a 5.5 at best. After they fixed me my breakfast of eggs, bacon, biscuits, gravy, pancakes, and syrup (no offense guys I don’t eat sausages ;-) ) I collected my hefty tips for letting them sleepover, and booted their skanky asses out the door. Since it was already 1 o’ clock in the afternoon I made my way to the local bar. Since I realized I only had large bills in my pockets I decided to beat up a few bums named Chuck, Steve, and Irving in order to collect change for bartender tips. Hey, I might be a lot of things but a bad tipper ain’t one of them. When I rolled in the joint I noticed this fine trick named Tracy was going to be my bartendress for the day. I decided to get a dry martini. And when she asked me how it should be prepared I proceeded to show her by placing the glass between her big fake tits (hey, daddy’s money went a long way) and had her shake them. After that I directed her to stir it with her tongue. Since she did the job so well, and gave me service with a smile, I decided to reward her with an even better tip this afternoon, than any money I could give her that day. So I took her back to my place. Tracy was a solid 6 in the sack. And I rocked her world.
After bustin’ up some hoes and collecting my money this evening, I decided again to play around with stuff online. After writing a critical review of Ingrid’s Inbred Incestuous Spunk-gobbling Skanky Sluts (featuring my mom and sister) I decided that it would be a good idea to find even more hoes online.
Before you roll your eyes, snap your fingers, and say: “Oh no he didn’t!” listen to what I want:
• I want a girl who knows what’s good for her. Seriously. If I ever give you that look you should apologize, be quiet, and give me what I want if you know what’s good for you.
• A girl who can drive fast. I know it sounds like a contradiction that I want a girl who can drive, but seriously—Banks don’t rob themselves, and I sometimes I need money. A Danica Patrick would be worth her weight in money for my purposes.
• A ho that knows the difference between oregano and pot, and sugar and cocaine. Sometimes and man can’t pickup his own fix. Don’t double-cross me like my last 5 wives.
• A girl who is a talented mime. Better yet, a mute. Women should be seen, not heard.
• Don’t ever expect any sex. Give me my money first, my fix second, and my booze third, and then maybe I will give you what you want. Probably not.
• I will probably try to have sex with your friends, mom, sister, coworkers, etc. If that is a problem for you, then I am not your guy.
• I won’t remember your name. If I you Suzy, Ethel, or Bob while we are in bed go ahead and take it like I give it. Oh, by the way, I suck at remembering numbers too. If I don’t you it’s because Mr. and Mrs. Jones is getting booty s at their nice suburban home at 2 o’ clock in the morning.
• Don’t be blonde. Seriously, I am tired of doing all of the blondes, their mothers, and their sisters (sometimes at the same time). We all know it’s fake anyways. The carpet never matches the drapes.
• Don’t use bad grammar. "U r fun I lik u lol ttyl" is not a sentence. I already read and write on a third grade level so I am good with the “big” words.
• If you already have a boyfriend, fiancé, or husband that’s a plus. He can provide you with food, shelter, clothing and gifts. He can take you to the mall to try on 1000 pairs of pants just to leave with nothing. All I want is my money. And if I am feeling like rewarding you, then he can hold the camera.
• Lastly, if you cannot tell that everything above was all a big joke then I feel sorry for you. Really. I. Am. Sorry.
That’s it for now. I’m done.
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Hot mature ready sex dating looking for good fuck .VICTORY!!! Those of you who have been kind enough to give me rock solid advice please rejoice with me. My ex get the keys to her apartment tomorrow. I'm sure it take her a few days to move her meager belongings but she's on the way out!! It's and was condemned for 3 years because it was a crackhouse but hey-what can you afford when you don't work and have a $ /day habit? Sadly, she's taking our youngest with her to avoid daycare costs (she doesn't work) but I don't forsee any problem getting him most weekday evenings and weekends. I should be able to work something out with his father so one of us has him most of the time. She's already decided to leave him with his father if/when she takes the other 3 across the country to join her crackhead family. Who just volunteers to leave a 3-yr-old? Focusing on the positive-people!! It's 15 degrees warmer today and the stress level in our house be reduced -! PEACE!!!!
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